Second time’s a Charm

When I was getting married for the second time and informing people (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) I noticed that responses ranged from genuine joy (“I’m so happy for you!”) to scepticism (“Ah, good for you, hope it’s the last time!) to general disinterest (“Oh, ok, do I have to dress up like it’s a first wedding?”). It was all taken in good humour but sometimes, depending on who the scepticism came from, it stung. It felt like the general opinion was that second marriage is not as serious as the first; open to closer external scrutiny and judged as more frivolous, somehow. Those of us who have gone through the trials and joys of a remarriage know that this decision is not a light one.

As I reflect on my experience back then, I realised there were many aspects of my current relationship that I had to navigate with tenderness and huge amounts of self-awareness (which I was not and am not always capable of) and some of these learnings might be helpful for anyone else venturing into the bright adventure of marriage for the second time.

Be honest with yourself

In an ideal situation, couples entering second marriages bring a greater emotional maturity and resilience. They may have learned from past mistakes and have a clearer understanding of their own needs and expectations in a relationship. I definitely felt that I had learnt what I did not want from a relationship and went out of my way to overcorrect what I perceived as weakness. Some of that worked, like recognising I used to transfer my anxiety to my ex constantly and it quickly escalated situations. The awareness allowed me to be less reactive and more reflective when any small tragedies struck in my new relationship.

However, I also developed a narrative that I was ‘too trusting’ which meant in this new relationship, I was more suspicious and often demonstrated unwarranted distrust in the early stages of my current relationship. It took me a while to settle into this new dynamic with my partner and to realise that I was spending too much time bogged down by my past. Being present meant recognising that this new relationship was between two different people - my partner was most certainly not my ex, and I was different as well; shaped by my previous experiences I had new perspectives and needs.

Clients I have worked with have also described the inclination to overcorrect only to later realise how heavy and exhausting this was. Allowing themselves to be present and sit with their emotions created a safer space for empathy and decision making.

Be ready to be married

Sounds obvious but dating is very different from being tied together in the eyes of the law and/or the spiritual authority of your choosing. Expectations of what marriage actually entails can differ. Not only are you bringing your own experiences, beliefs and perspectives into the relationship, a second marriage also includes baggage. When people get remarried, they often bring unhealthy relationship patterns and trust issues from their first marriage that can sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes this baggage can cause couples to rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.

Some people view second marriages through a practical lens, especially when it comes to legal and financial arrangements. Concerns about inheritance, shared assets, and the financial obligations from previous marriages can shape attitudes toward entering a second marriage. Is a pre-nup too harsh to suggest? Maybe it’s just the smart thing to do? (Just ask Freddy from Love is Blind UK).

Blended families take heart

Second marriages often involve blending families from previous relationships, which can introduce complex dynamics. Couples may need to navigate relationships with stepchildren, ex-spouses, and extended family members, which requires patience, understanding, and effective communication.

Divorce as a process is typically a stressful time period for both children and parents. Usual reactions are anger, a sense of failure for parents, and often conflicting loyalties for the children of divorce. What scientific evidence there is suggests that divorce is often better (or at least less harmful) for children than an unhappy, conflict-ridden marriage. However, this is a scant consolation for children who have to navigate the emotional transition from a two-parent to a one parent family system. The progression of their one-parent or co-parenting family systems into one where there is remarriage results in another major emotional transition into a blended family system.

Clients with children from previous marriages describe a period of adjustment to a new person in the space that they share with their child. What helped was lots of communication between them, keeping communication channels open so the child can approach their parent with any doubts, concerns and fears. My situation was similar, I remarried when my daughter was eight years old. As an adult today, she is able to share that open and honest communication is one of the key reasons she felt her fears about losing attention from me were swiftly quashed.

Prepare for conflict and love each other through it

Communication was of course key in how we, as a couple, successfully navigated some of the trickier parts of remarriage. My partner and I would discuss everything from how we felt about disciplining children to shared holidays to groceries and everything in between. We didn’t get it perfect every time but we learnt over time how to hold space for each other and that kindness extended often ensured a peaceful (if not always agreed upon) outcome. We continue to learn how to do this. But my belief is that our shared respect for each other allowed us to honour our existing relationships as we built our lives together, this set up a foundation of trust and love that sustains this relationship.

Clients often share that this is the part that seems so simple yet is so difficult to manage. One of the ways to become more intentional about communicating with your partner is to actively make time for connection. The Gottmans call these ‘rituals of connection’ and they can look like having a meal together, going for a walk, or quiet time in your bedroom together. Setting a specific time to connect in the week can create a solid foundation for the relationship and a momentum for your ability to communicate and connect.

References:

John T. Pardeck (1989) The Minuchin Family Stress Model: A Guide for

Assessing and Treating the Impact of Marital Disruption on Children and Families, International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 1:4, 367-377, DOI: 10.1080/02673843.1989.9747650

Mirecki, R. M., Brimhall, A. S., & Bramesfeld, K. D. (2013). Communication during conflict: Differences between individuals in first and second marriages. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 54(3), 197–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2013.773798

10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage, John Gottman (2024), The Gottman Institute, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:~:text=When%20people%20get%20remarried%2C%20they,getting%20to%20know%20each%20other.

The Sexual and Mental Link

Mental health and sexual health are fundamental aspects of overall well-being, and they share a significant interconnection. The intricate relationship between these two domains demonstrates how one's mental state can influence their sexual health and vice versa. Understanding this link is crucial for promoting holistic health and addressing the needs of individuals. By recognizing the profound interplay between mental and sexual well-being, we can foster a supportive environment that prioritizes the holistic care of individuals.

In Singapore, while there is a healthy diversity of sub-cultures that exist and multiple sexual orientations and presentations visible across online platforms like Reddit and TikTok, actual discourse around the link between mental health and sexual health is not often discussed.

The inter-connected nature of mental wellbeing and sexual health

Mental health issues such as stress, anxiety, depression, and trauma can profoundly affect an individual's sexual health. When experiencing mental distress, sexual desire and functioning may be compromised, leading to challenges in maintaining intimacy and sexual satisfaction. Conditions like depression and anxiety can diminish libido, hinder arousal, and cause difficulties with orgasm. Additionally, body image concerns resulting from mental health struggles may negatively impact self-esteem and sexual confidence. Addressing and treating mental health conditions is crucial for restoring sexual well-being.

Conversely, mental well-being can enhance sexual health. Positive mental health fosters self-confidence, body acceptance, and a sense of overall happiness, leading to healthier sexual experiences. A positive mindset enables individuals to explore their desires, communicate effectively with partners, and engage in pleasurable and fulfilling sexual activities. Emotional stability, reduced stress levels, and improved self-esteem contribute to increased sexual satisfaction and intimacy.

The importance of sexual health

In 2021, a study by local women’s hospital KKH showed that nearly 60 per cent of the Asian women in Singapore experience low sexual function, an indicator that they are at risk for future sexual dysfunction. The two most common sexual dysfunctions suffered by Singaporean women are vaginismus (an involuntary tightening of the vagina to prevent penetration) and dyspareunia (a persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after sex). However, as our understanding of sexual conditions has evolved, there have been further developments to deepen knowledge in this area.

Sexual health also plays a pivotal role in our mental well-being. Engaging in consensual, safe, and satisfying sexual experiences can promote positive emotions, reduce stress, and enhance overall mood. Sexual activity releases endorphins and hormones, including oxytocin, which can foster feelings of bonding, relaxation, and pleasure. These biochemical reactions can alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, improve sleep quality, and enhance self-esteem.

Moreover, sexual intimacy within relationships can contribute to emotional connection, enhancing feelings of intimacy, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction. Establishing healthy boundaries, effective communication, and a fulfilling sexual relationship can foster a positive sense of self and improve overall mental health.

Consider treating sexual issues holistically

Rather than reaching for medication, aesthetic or invasive treatment, it is worthwhile considering how emotional and mental wellbeing might need addressing when facing sexual dysfunction. Recognizing the intricate link between mental health and sexual health emphasizes the importance of adopting a holistic approach to wellness. Healthcare providers should be equipped to address the multifaceted needs of individuals, considering both mental and sexual aspects of their well-being. By integrating mental health screenings into sexual health assessments and vice versa, healthcare professionals can identify and address potential concerns in a comprehensive manner.

Promoting mental and sexual health education is also crucial. Encouraging open dialogue, reducing stigma, and providing accurate information can empower individuals to seek support, address concerns, and foster positive experiences in both domains. Comprehensive sex education that encompasses emotional well-being and consent is essential for fostering healthy attitudes towards sexuality.

Three things you can do to build your Sexual Confidence

1.      Focus on health and well-being: Shift your focus from appearance to overall health and well-being. Engage in activities that make you feel good physically and mentally, such as regular exercise, practicing mindfulness, getting enough sleep, and nourishing your body with balanced nutrition.

2.      Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Focus on your positive qualities and achievements rather than fixating on perceived flaws. Remind yourself that everyone has unique bodies, and self-worth goes beyond physical appearance.

3.      Challenge negative self-talk: Identify negative thoughts and judgements about your body and actively challenge them. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations and realistic perceptions. Encourage yourself with statements that promote self-acceptance and appreciation for your body's capabilities and your sexual self.

References:

https://www.kkh.com.sg/news/medical-news-singhealth/sexual-dysfunction-in-women

https://www.psycom.net/sex-and-mental-health

Julia R. Heiman (2002) Sexual dysfunction: Overview of prevalence, etiological factors, and treatments, The Journal of Sex Research, 39:1, 73-78, DOI: 10.1080/00224490209552124

Sewalem J, Kassaw C, Anbesaw T. Sexual dysfunction among people with mental illness attending follow-up treatment at a tertiary hospital, Jimma University Medical Center: A cross-sectional study. Front Psychiatry. 2022 Nov 17;13:999922. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2022.999922

Originally posted on https://theotherclinic.sg/notebook/

A Bear Necessity

For my first blog post, I used a recent article I wrote on the link between mental and sexual health. I hope you enjoyed it but I acknowledge it is a tad long. (Any piece of writing where someone starts a paragraph with ‘Moreover…’ is decidedly too long to really read in one go.)

You, dear reader, might be curious about this blog section. Perhaps a bit skeptical about my motives. You got me. It’s all about the SEO, baby.

But also, there’s something about having a section to just write and maybe connect with someone out there that is quite inviting.

In Primary One, I remember writing a short four-line poem about Baloo the bear (from Disney’s The Jungle Book) which got pasted onto the wall just under the blackboard (that’s how old I am, I remember having to pat white puffs of chalk dust off my blue pinafore). I felt so proud to be selected, amazed that something that came from my mind and that I wrote, in my own handwriting could be deemed wall-worthy.

I sometimes work with clients who remember similar tiny but impactful moments. Memories like these kindle more than just cognitive recollection; it’s something that they kept in their hearts that makes them feel warm and seen and loved, something not just valuable but important. It is wonderful when we are able to access that for ourselves, years later.

All that to say, I do like writing. I don’t do much of it. But maybe now I will?

Beyond the Gift (A Valentine’s Day post)

The origin of Valentine's Day can be traced back to ancient Roman and Christian traditions. The association of Valentine's Day with romantic love began to gain prominence in the Middle Ages. Over the centuries, Valentine's Day gradually evolved into a day dedicated to expressing love and affection to one's romantic partner, as well as to friends and family. The oldest known Valentine’s Day message is a poem written in 1415, housed in the British Library.

The exchange of cards, gifts, and tokens of affection became central to the modern celebration. However, many bemoan the further evolution of the day into an excuse for retailers to capitalize on our need to love and be loved.

Instead of (or alongside, if you insist) giving gifts to your significant other on Valentines’ Day, it might be fun to consider how to connect on a deeper, more emotional level that surpasses the sameness of flowers, candy and cologne.

Renowned couples therapists and researchers, John and Julie Gottman helpfully refer to these as rituals of connection. These rituals serve as meaningful gestures of connection, deepening the emotional ties that bind us. They create lasting memories and reaffirm the importance of love in our lives.

Send it in a letter, write it on the wall

One such cherished ritual is the exchange of heartfelt messages. Whether through handwritten notes, carefully chosen cards, or a well-timed text, these messages convey emotions that don’t come as easily when in your partner’s presence. The act of putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, allows for a moment of reflection, an opportunity to articulate the depth of one's feelings.

These messages become treasured keepsakes, serving as a reminder of the enduring love shared between two individuals.

Feed each other

Sharing a meal is a ritual that creates sensations that can be deeply bonding. Whether it's a homemade dinner cooked with tender care or a reservation at a favourite restaurant, breaking bread together is an act of intimacy and connection. The setting, the food, and the conversation create a space for couples to bond, to laugh, and to savour the moments they share. It's a time to appreciate the company of the person who holds a special place in your heart. Consider putting your phones away and see how it feels to be truly present with and interested in each other.  

Two become one

For couples in more established relationships, physical touch can sometimes be forgotten in the daily routine of work, children or other commitments. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), as well as improve mood and a sense of calmness. Holding hands, hugging, touching, and making out can reduce your stress hormones (cortisol) and increase your relationship satisfaction. When life gets too busy, use Valentine’s Day as a trigger to spend intimate time together. Book a hotel room or leave the kids with a trusted caregiver and get in bed together. Fully immerse yourselves in rediscovering what pleasure means for you and your partner.

Start something new

Critics of Valentine’s Day often view the second half of the name with derision – just one day feels empty and obligatory. But what if the fun didn’t have to stop at midnight? Think about a longer-term activity you and your partner might enjoy together that can continue beyond just the day.

For some, the act of creating something together becomes a cherished ritual. Whether it's painting a canvas, cooking a new recipe, or even building a piece of furniture, the collaborative effort brings a sense of unity and accomplishment. It allows partners to tap into their creativity, fostering a deeper connection through shared experiences and shared achievements. For others, starting a new exercise or a new walking route together can be a great way to kick off a happiness-inducing habit.

Singles can mingle too

Fans of the television sitcom Parks & Rec will be familiar with the concept of ‘Gal-entine’s Day’, an opportunity for friends to meet and celebrate their friendship on Valentine’s Day. Apparently the male version of this is ‘Male-ntine’s’ Day (but don’t quote me on that; also why does it need to be a gender specific gathering?) Valentine's Day is not only about romantic partnerships; it's also a day to acknowledge and celebrate the love we share with friends and family. Taking the time to express gratitude and affection towards these individuals fosters a sense of belonging and strengthens bonds of kinship.

In the tapestry of love, these rituals are the threads that bind us together. They create a sense of continuity, a shared history, and a promise of a future filled with moments of connection. From handwritten notes to collaborative endeavours, Valentine's Day rituals serve as a testament to the enduring power of love in our lives. They are a celebration of the human capacity to connect, to cherish, and to hold each other close.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day!

Originally posted on https://theotherclinic.sg/notebook/

Somewhat myth-taken

Some clients and some friends have asked, “Isn’t this job very tiring? You listen to people complain all day”. Which is one way to look at it. There are some myths about the profession that come across that range from the amusing to the mis-informed.

Myth #1: Counsellors are sad because they are filled with other people’s woes

From the time I met my very first client, til today, I have always felt energized by client sessions. I really enjoy the work - being able to provide comfort and lighten someone’s emotional load just by being there for them.

As part of our training, we learn consistently that distance is key to being able to do our jobs. I care deeply for every client I see but in caring for them, I also recognize I cannot entwine myself with them emotionally.

Myth #2: Counsellors are supposed to help me solve my problems

Not exactly. The role of the counsellor is to create space and organisation in a client’s mind to tackle their own issues. Counsellors help shine a light on areas that clients may be blind to, maybe because of familiarity (it’s always been this way) or fear (it feels unsafe to explore where my feelings come from).

When I sit with clients, I am absolutely present for them. I listen to understand, I observe, and I hold space. As a counsellor, this is what a client needs. Not advice or problem-solving - because how could I solve someone’s problem on their behalf? Doing so would mean I was imposing my own judgement and value system onto their situation, something that would likely cause more harm than good. And counselling, like any other helping profession is bound by the first principle of ‘Do No Harm’.

Myth #3: Counsellors want to make you dependent on them so they can keep getting fees from you and will insist you see them more often than you need to

This is not just unethical, it would be downright annoying for everyone involved to keep engaging a client for whom counselling isn’t working. A good counsellor will frame your therapy goals together with you and suggest a cadence for therapy that is aimed at achieving these goals. Often I adjust cadence based also on what is realistic for clients in terms of time and financial resources available to them.