Second time’s a Charm

When I was getting married for the second time and informing people (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) I noticed that responses ranged from genuine joy (“I’m so happy for you!”) to scepticism (“Ah, good for you, hope it’s the last time!) to general disinterest (“Oh, ok, do I have to dress up like it’s a first wedding?”). It was all taken in good humour but sometimes, depending on who the scepticism came from, it stung. It felt like the general opinion was that second marriage is not as serious as the first; open to closer external scrutiny and judged as more frivolous, somehow. Those of us who have gone through the trials and joys of a remarriage know that this decision is not a light one.

As I reflect on my experience back then, I realised there were many aspects of my current relationship that I had to navigate with tenderness and huge amounts of self-awareness (which I was not and am not always capable of) and some of these learnings might be helpful for anyone else venturing into the bright adventure of marriage for the second time.

Be honest with yourself

In an ideal situation, couples entering second marriages bring a greater emotional maturity and resilience. They may have learned from past mistakes and have a clearer understanding of their own needs and expectations in a relationship. I definitely felt that I had learnt what I did not want from a relationship and went out of my way to overcorrect what I perceived as weakness. Some of that worked, like recognising I used to transfer my anxiety to my ex constantly and it quickly escalated situations. The awareness allowed me to be less reactive and more reflective when any small tragedies struck in my new relationship.

However, I also developed a narrative that I was ‘too trusting’ which meant in this new relationship, I was more suspicious and often demonstrated unwarranted distrust in the early stages of my current relationship. It took me a while to settle into this new dynamic with my partner and to realise that I was spending too much time bogged down by my past. Being present meant recognising that this new relationship was between two different people - my partner was most certainly not my ex, and I was different as well; shaped by my previous experiences I had new perspectives and needs.

Clients I have worked with have also described the inclination to overcorrect only to later realise how heavy and exhausting this was. Allowing themselves to be present and sit with their emotions created a safer space for empathy and decision making.

Be ready to be married

Sounds obvious but dating is very different from being tied together in the eyes of the law and/or the spiritual authority of your choosing. Expectations of what marriage actually entails can differ. Not only are you bringing your own experiences, beliefs and perspectives into the relationship, a second marriage also includes baggage. When people get remarried, they often bring unhealthy relationship patterns and trust issues from their first marriage that can sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes this baggage can cause couples to rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.

Some people view second marriages through a practical lens, especially when it comes to legal and financial arrangements. Concerns about inheritance, shared assets, and the financial obligations from previous marriages can shape attitudes toward entering a second marriage. Is a pre-nup too harsh to suggest? Maybe it’s just the smart thing to do? (Just ask Freddy from Love is Blind UK).

Blended families take heart

Second marriages often involve blending families from previous relationships, which can introduce complex dynamics. Couples may need to navigate relationships with stepchildren, ex-spouses, and extended family members, which requires patience, understanding, and effective communication.

Divorce as a process is typically a stressful time period for both children and parents. Usual reactions are anger, a sense of failure for parents, and often conflicting loyalties for the children of divorce. What scientific evidence there is suggests that divorce is often better (or at least less harmful) for children than an unhappy, conflict-ridden marriage. However, this is a scant consolation for children who have to navigate the emotional transition from a two-parent to a one parent family system. The progression of their one-parent or co-parenting family systems into one where there is remarriage results in another major emotional transition into a blended family system.

Clients with children from previous marriages describe a period of adjustment to a new person in the space that they share with their child. What helped was lots of communication between them, keeping communication channels open so the child can approach their parent with any doubts, concerns and fears. My situation was similar, I remarried when my daughter was eight years old. As an adult today, she is able to share that open and honest communication is one of the key reasons she felt her fears about losing attention from me were swiftly quashed.

Prepare for conflict and love each other through it

Communication was of course key in how we, as a couple, successfully navigated some of the trickier parts of remarriage. My partner and I would discuss everything from how we felt about disciplining children to shared holidays to groceries and everything in between. We didn’t get it perfect every time but we learnt over time how to hold space for each other and that kindness extended often ensured a peaceful (if not always agreed upon) outcome. We continue to learn how to do this. But my belief is that our shared respect for each other allowed us to honour our existing relationships as we built our lives together, this set up a foundation of trust and love that sustains this relationship.

Clients often share that this is the part that seems so simple yet is so difficult to manage. One of the ways to become more intentional about communicating with your partner is to actively make time for connection. The Gottmans call these ‘rituals of connection’ and they can look like having a meal together, going for a walk, or quiet time in your bedroom together. Setting a specific time to connect in the week can create a solid foundation for the relationship and a momentum for your ability to communicate and connect.

References:

John T. Pardeck (1989) The Minuchin Family Stress Model: A Guide for

Assessing and Treating the Impact of Marital Disruption on Children and Families, International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 1:4, 367-377, DOI: 10.1080/02673843.1989.9747650

Mirecki, R. M., Brimhall, A. S., & Bramesfeld, K. D. (2013). Communication during conflict: Differences between individuals in first and second marriages. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 54(3), 197–213. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2013.773798

10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage, John Gottman (2024), The Gottman Institute, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/#:~:text=When%20people%20get%20remarried%2C%20they,getting%20to%20know%20each%20other.